smackdown

I kinda like this Seraph City, once you get over the exhaust fumes. But you really gotta watch your step. It seems anybody who's anybody has a horseless carriage and drives like a maniac! But the clubs! They got these crazy new kinda sounds called jazz and swing...wow, how do I even describe them to a Caledonian?

But anyway, at dusk I was struttin' down the street in my new black pinstripe suit and matching fedora en route to the next juke joint when I hear this girl shouting,

"PAPER! GET YOUR NEWSPAPER!"

Aw man, what a letdown. Of course, they would still have urchins in the future. Just look at her in her white blind-glasses and blonde ponytails and her smock glowing from the light in her...WAIT A GODDAM MINUTE!!!

She saw me alright! She ripped off her glasses and smock and dashed for the alley. I bolted after her. Yeah, she's still small and probably knows this city like the back of her hand. But I'm a neko. She covers her light, but I can still see in the dark. She hurls garbage cans at me (note to self: Mason hydraulics) and I leap over 'em.

"You almost cut my FOOT off you psycho little BRAT!"

"That was FIFTY YEARS ago! Get over it!"

"For YOU it's fifty years! I've still got the STITCHES!"

I turn the corner and it's a dead end. She's not there. Then I hear the clatter of the fire escape above. She's zigzagging from one level to the next. I'm jumping from railing to railing. I reach for her ankle as she hoists herself over the rooftop. I grab her ratty old shoe which slips off in my hand.

"WREN! I got a nine letter word for what I'm gonna lay on..."

I land on the gravel of the rooftop. She's standing there, her heart burning under the night sky, her beady eyes glowing a reanimation green...no wait, that's the bunny on her shoulder. And a bunny on her other shoulder. And the dozen at her feet. And another twenty behind her. Here comes another hrair of them. She's surrounded by what, a hundred...gaslamp bunnies?

They've got shiny teeth. Razor-sharp steel I must assume. Aw crap, the claws too?

"Hey..." I chuckle, "Y'know...fifty years is a long time..."

She just points at me.

"GET 'IM!"

Now if I was Doc Mason I'd write something like, "as one, the leaping legion of lepuses advanced upon me" but really the only words that came to mind were "OH SHI--"

Caught!

It was a perfect jump! Why the HELL did the deck explode? The decompression sucked me clean out of the ship, and now I'm headed straight downwards.

Alright, don't panic...magic? Nope. I'm spent. Okay, I just have to land on all fours. I'm a cat. I can do this. I can do this. I can...

"OOF!"

Well that was unexpected. I've landed on the deck of another airship, in the arms a female android who is certainly not my sister. She had a windup key. How very retro.

"Well hello, kitty!"

"Hi. My name's Koen, but thanks for the catch. And you are?"

"I'm pleasure unit SX-069, but you can call me Six."

"Okayyy...like I said, I'm glad to meet you, but would you mind moving your hand please?"

"Why certainly!"

My fur bristled.

"I meant the other hand!"

"SIX!" Shouted a familiar voice from the helm. "Stop groping my brother and secure the tethers on this wreck!"

"Wait, what...brother? I...Qli-2? Is that you?"

"I was Qli-2, yes, but I'm calling myself Nova Sakigake again. We merged."

I shrugged. This is pretty run-of-the-mill for reunions in my family. I peeked behind Six's shoulder and saw the smoldering shell of the Revenge sitting in some sort of steel mesh attached to this ship (SIXES AND SEVENS according to the paint job on the deck.)

And there's the original Qli at the bow. She must have finally disconnected from the Revenge, what's left of it.

"KOEN" She shouted. I waved back with a relieved smile. "KOEN! YOU'VE AGED!"

Yep. My black fur was back. "Puberty was bad enough the first time! I arranged a controlled leak in the zero chamber! I've got from fifteen to thirty, give or take a few months!"

I'm sure she was gonna give me hell for it later. But I knew exactly what I was doing. I'm getting better at this time travel thing. I could make a career out of it?

I tapped Six on her flesh-painted chin. "Speaking of puberty, I asked you to stop..."

She didn't move.

"Oh Hell...you wound down didn't you? ANYBODY GOT A CROWBAR? MINERAL OIL MAYBE?"

nowhere to go but...

Damn wasps. Demon wasps. Demon airship-flying wasps. And the Bloodwing's Revenge just popped up in the middle of a damn fleet of these bastards! Everywhere I turn the periscope, there's more of them!

I'm below deck. We're too high up for me to be on the bridge without insulation and a rebreather, which the airship-pirate vampire who owns this clockwork antique doesn't need. He's got a deep-sea diver suit in the closet, but I can't even lift the brass helmet!

Speaking of whom, Aleister is manning the weapons cockpit upstairs. It sounds like he's got some rotating cannons blazing from all sides of the ship. Look at that smoke. Black powder? Really? Please tell me you don't expect me to reload all of those myself?

Qlippothic's fused herself to the helm. I've got my toeclaws digging into the dusty old carpet with each step because she's got the ship jerking around every which way. Is she trying to shake more wasps off the ship?

I hear buzzing outside the porthole. BAST! That yellow-striped buzzer tried to stab me through the glass! Why is he holding a plank of rotted...oh BAST that's part of the damn HULL!

I turn on the intercom. "Guys! They're trying to rip open the ship down here!"

Qli responds. "I'm trying to keep them of off the main airbag! We've lost half our ropes already! I can barely manage a controlled descent..."

"Deploy the side balloons?"

"Not yet. They will block the chain cannons. Beginning distress signal. Mayday-mayday, invasion fleet intercepted at following coordinates..."

There has to be something I can do...wait...all this machinery...why is this so familiar? I've got it! The Time Window!

I hope Aleister doesn't mind that I'm scratching sigils through his moth-eaten carpet...there...black plumes of energy spreading through and around the ship...

"KOEN! Vat are you doink down zere?"

"I'm using my Void Alchemy to negate the weight of the ship! That will keep us from crashing long enough for us to tesseract the ship to safety!

"KOEN! I do not have the energy to tesseract this entire ship! Even if I wasn't busy with evasive maneuvers..."

"You shake off the bugs! I'll use the Time Window to find a safe timestream to jump into and the void-aura will negate the mass of the ship for you to carry us through!"

"You are turnink mein vessel into a TARDIS?"

Operating the dials...not enough energy for anti-paradox to make a back-jump...has to be the future...

"Und you zink you are some kind of TIME LORD?"

A future full of giant steel hives dotting the landscape? Not good...

"SCHTOP zis instant! I declare it VERBOTEN..."

"Pipe down you bloodwyne-swilling old coot! I can't build Mason techno-magic but I can sure as Hell use it! I figured out my Dad's Retroactive Continuity thing before, didn't I? Sort of? And I've been a Companion for Purdie Uggleh and Professor B!"

There's a city...too much static! Is that a demon with six wings on the tower? Still too blurry! Fine-tuning the fateline axis. No, not a demon...

"Ammunition depleted! Ejecting cannons! Deploying siderail balloons!"

Not a demon... That looks like...

"I've got a lock! Qli! Prepare to jump! Fifty-two-years-one-month-twelve-hours-thirty-six-seconds!"

"Koen! You can't! You'll age squared to the jump!"

"VOID ALCHEMY!"

I've got that angel in my sights...

"Explosions off der pert und starboard! Balloon rails destroyed!"

"TESSERACT IN THREE! TWO! ONE! WARP!"

The ship is pulled through a swirling nimbus of Nothing laced with galvanic torrents of liquefied time. Currents in directions I can't point to tugging at my insides. The Void protects me like a cloak. My personal zero chamber. My black fur is growing back in. My nails are growing longer and sharper. Some currents are getting through, enough for me to see the light of that gleaming metropolis that is hopefully not full of wasps.

Next stop...Seraph City.

this whole bloody ship is a huge creaking wreck

I woke up tied down someplace dark. Could be worse I suppose. Smells musty in here.

"You are very lucky I vas en route, Koen. You vould have bled to death uzzervise."

"So now I'm bit to undeath?"

"Ach! Nein! I haff no need for an apprentice!"

"Then why am i tied up?"

"So you don't roll off. Zee gyrostabilizers are still a bit vobbly. Vat are you feeding on anyvay? Your blood smells terrible!"

"Canned fish, mostly. Gyro-WHA? We're on that flying jalope of yours?"

He ripped off the ropes on me. My ankle was bandaged up. Still a little sore.

"Ja, I finally got the Bludving's Revenge out of mottballz! It's all I haff left really, aside from some stores of bloodvyne..."

"Why did you save me, Aleister?"

I heard some clicking and a circle of light blinked on. I could see a guy in goggles and a labcoat working on a boatload of machinery. There was also a little girl in a black dress pushing more machinery around. BIG machinery.

"Ach! Too bright! Let me adjust...there...the Consulate."

"That's...umm..."

"Ja, your vader."

"My what? Oh, my Dad. I'm starting to remember...hey is that girl on FIRE?"

"Another vun of his Dolls. A gas powered innovation. If she vas clockvurk I could readjust..."

I snuck for the exit.

"Zat's zee clozet. Pleez hear me out first? Zen I vill let you go."

"Fine...fine..."

trapped

I can't believe I stepped in one of those fucking claw traps I didn't even fucking see it oh shit I can't get this off I'm bleeding all over this roof I can't pry this off this isn't fair I just wanted one life without demons and mad scientists poking and prodding me do I cut my foot off with this knife no I just dropped it too weak...

Staring up at the beautiful sliver moon. Mom? I'm ready.

Oh will you get that fucking sky-galleon piece of museum shit out of the way! I don't wanna die with that ticking in my ears!

Damn. That's a huge fucking bat crouching over me. Turning into...

Oh crap. Not you again.

The six letter word

Begins with "I". Means "unhinged". INSANE.

That's what's going on. I realized that as I filled out the crossword puzzle someone left for me on the roof. The almost dead rat was a nice gesture. Didn't smell any poison on it. But who knows where that turkey leg's been. There was a fresh drop of machine oil on the roof. I smelled rabbit fur too, and...BAST! I KNOW that smell! Something chemical...medicinal. Like I was someplace that reeked of the stuff that I kept coming back to...

I know this is New Babbage. But I still don't know who I am. I feel like I've been here before when I wander the oldest part of town, but I sense a lot of stuff is wear it shouldn't be. I must be older than I look.

This knife I have, I don't remember where I got it. But it's got a strange symbol on it. It must mean something.

I found places were they serve free food to urchins. But I still enjoy hunting rats.

I found a big house made of glass filled with plants, it was very warm. It felt more familiar than the town outside. They had pictures on the walls of giant reptiles.

I stared at them. This one's is painted wrong. the scales should be redder. The meat on the flank tastes better...

For a moment I was jumping from a tree landing on something huge with a large stick...then I was back in the museum. I ran out of the building, grabbing someone else's umbrella from the stand on the way out. I sharpened the end into a spear. Never go anywhere without a spear. That I remember. Even in this jungle. The handle is good for pulling food out of traps too. You can even keep the rain off with it.

grist for the mill

I'm trying desperately to escape the Vortex and Erebus. I'll save you the epic and give you the rundown. The other Koen was actually Uncle Marcus...the magic sword Grandpa Jeremiah (Am I really saying this?) whacked him with disintegrated his human DNA and left only the dormant Bloodtail DNA, which made him regenerate.

I told Vortex I don't CARE if he merges Marcus with the rest of his Nine Lives instead of me so he'll be strong enough to slay the Hydra once and for all *coughfatchancecough* and rule Erebus with an Iron Paw.

These Ereb'ai demons glorify Honor and Duty and Well-Done Treachery in the same damn breath. It's like Washington City got subbed out by the Aztecs. So they think I'm batshit crazy because I DON'T WANT TO BE KING. I left Marcus and Vortex arguing so they can work out. But the natives are waving shredded banners and chasing me through the streets and howling. I just want ONE NORMAL LIFE.

So now I'm at hiding out at a hangout that used to be big with the tourists. (Yes, Hell has tourists.) Since the place is almost empty I gave them all my inherited jewelry and they're not only keeping their traps shut, they're giving me VIP treatment.

This place is called the Rumor Mill. Down here metaphors are sometimes taken way too literally. You probably knew people ate souls as food down here. Well the "foodies" down here use parts of souls as ingredients for fancier fare. This here Rumor Mill that grinds people's deepest secrets into the best bread in Erebus. I was stooped over circling this huge freakin' grindstone for hours talking into it like it's one of Doc Mason's tiwttergraph machines. People used to crowd around this thing confessing their secrets into it, hoping for some bread in return. Some poor bastards got shoved too hard and squished into it. That makes for courser bread, of course.

Business has been piss-poor for the Mill since the Founder blew up the Capital Sector, so I don't have to fight anyone for a bit of bread in return. This is no ordinary bread, mind you. It's made from thousands of secrets ground to a powder, risen with Lethe-water and baked in hellfire. After I eat this, I will lose my memory and have it replaced with one that's totally reconstituted. That way the Imperial Guard can't track my soul down by scent again. And I'll get one more chance at something resembling a normal life.

I'm using that amulet I stole on the way to open a Siege Perilous to New Babbage. I won't be the same person coming out as I was going in. That's they're easy to steal.

Yep. This is Babbage alright. Damn, it's cold. Anything's colder than Hell, except for the icecaps of course. I asked the baker for bread from Steamlands secrets so I'll fit back in. Hmmm. Tastes a bit sooty, though. Oh! It's Babbage Pumpernickel! No wonder it tastes familiar...

...familiar?

I know where am, but...

Who am I?