the stakes

“WE’RE THE SPIDERS! YOU’RE THE FLIES!” they shouted as they laughed and chased me from the scorching desert into the shadowy ravine.

I was running on all fours, bounding from one wall of the narrow fissure to the other trying to dodge the nail gun. I felt one slam into my shoulder and knock off the metal bowl I was wearing for armor. I spun and arched my back as the crunch of boots sprinting through sand and grit grew louder. A couple of Spider gangers trotted in, blocking my exit. One of them had clammy yellow skin. A ghoul. He was carrying a stick with a sharp bird beak wrapped at one end as a weapon. The other one had his face wrapped up, but I’m sure he was human. That was the bastard with the nailgun. I shoved my paws into the loose dry dirt and pulled out the rusty machete I hid there last night.

“Oh clever manimal he is!” taunted the ghoul. “Y’claws ain’t enough? I got me own!” That was true. Even in this mutated form I still didn’t grow claws. Not that they’d come close to being as nasty as those bony bloody fingers the ghoul was stretching. Ghoul-boy flicked his tongue like a snake. “Let’s have at it then!”

I let out a deep roar that echoed through the ravine. That’s when the rest of the kids pushed themselves out of the nooks and crannies in this rocky passageway. They were all the same dry red clay color from their camouflage. The three kid gangs were always chasing each other off, but we had a common threat. So I was able to get them all to hid in one place, and armed to the teeth.

“We’re onto you!” I pointed at the two Spiders. “Luring kids into your parlor or whatever you call it with a trail of candy! You! You’re a ghoul...I’m not judging you for WHAT you eat. But when you don’t gnaw on people your own size...you’re gonna PAY. But YOU!” I pointed at the guy with the nail gun. “Corwin is it? Corey? Doesn’t even matter because you...and your undead buddy right here...are officially SCRAPPED!”

Bleue and her NPAKs - the older kids - laid in with the missiles. Crossbows, nailguns, and I think I even heard some gunpowder. Those two bastards dropped pretty fast. Once they ran out of ammo then Kira...I mean...Kira junior...just call her Sprog... and her Runts moved in with their spiky clubs to make sure they weren’t playing dead. Finally the youngest contingent...Pea and her Sand Brats...moved in with their knives and cleavers. I looked away for this part.

That’s when I heard the scream.

“Mistah Koen! Mistah Koen!” I was still getting used to being called Mister. But in the Wastelands when you’re sixteen you’re practically middle-aged.

“The ghoul bit Ryan!”

“OH HOLY...!”

I rushed over. The two spiders were...well, out of commission. But Ryan...shit, he’s just this little blond boy with bad teeth, kinda Russian accent. Always hyper, But now he was lyin’ still. Bad sign. I started wiping down my blade.

“I’m sorry kid, but we’re gonna have to ampu...tate...?”

The bite was on his neck. That wasn’t gonna work. And he was already getting jaundiced.

“Aw crap...no no no not you Ryan not YOU...”

I’ve gotten used to a lot of crap in the Wastelands. Humans eating each other. A robotic landlord named Neobrokrug that didn’t care if you lived or died. A robot ice cream truck that still gave out ice cream. But the ghouls still scared the shit outta me. I knew a couple that didn’t attack living folks on sight, but still it’s a horrible way to exist.

Pea stood behind me, looking down at him.

“Pea?” I asked. “He’s gonna turn. He’s one of yours...if you guys wanna put him out of his misery you better...”

And that’s when the ground started to shake. Boulders started falling into the ravine. We were blinded by a cloud of dirt and sand.

“EVERY KID FOR HIMSELF!”

But of course that’s not what happened. We all huddled together crying and screaming. Well I wasn’t crying and screaming. Well it was so noisy it was hard to tell... By the time got the grit out of my eyes I could see the sunrise. Wait...we’re in a damn ravine...where the HELL is the sun coming from? Hmm, the end of the ravine opened up. What is this, a crater?

“Mistah Koen? I think that’s Neo...”

I’ll be damned if it wasn’t. Imagine a skinny robot made of junkyard scrap, with a fake plywood cube over one hand and a dented army helmet. That’s Neobrokrug. You never saw the guy unless he was collecting rent, smacking someone down for illegal weapons or...

“Aw shit he's pulling in more Wastelands!”

Remember how I said this place was an ashcan for destroyed cities? Somewhere in time a city is on the brink of annihilation. It’s Neo’s job to rescue...well maybe preserve is a better word...a good chunk of it before disaster wipes it off the map. He was surrounded by cobbled-together machinery that looked even dicier than him. Bleue pulled out her binoculars and peered down the crater.

“Koen. You really need to see this.” She passed the binocs to me.

“The girl in the pink dress?” Bast, she was dressed like one of my dad’s clockwork dolls.

“To the right of her.”

Some kinda flashing light...it was a battle. Some giant robot with scraggly beard and hat like a Jaegermonster...and a guy in a soldier’s uniform fighting him. Aether saber....medic’s belt...aether goggles...mustache...

“Holy crap that’s my DAD!”

I lowered the binocs, trying to make sense of what I just saw. Were we back in the Steamlands? No, this was an overlap. A huge chunk of the Steamlands was on its way to us. Everybody knew about the Caldon remnant. That was one of the first regions that made up this hellhole. Finally enough of the dust cleared that I could make out the outline of the city on the horizon.

“OH SWEET BAST!!! THAT’S NEW BABBAGE!!!”

Curiosity

The Regent had a video game machine in one of the rooms. I started playing it. It was called the Wastelands. Guess what.

It's not a game.

I've been trapped here in the desert for almost a month now. I'm not sure where or when this place is. Nobody here does. It's a bunch of ruins all jumbled together. Caledonian, Aztec, Suffugium, 20th century America, dinosaur bones...I think this place is one cosmic ash heap where memories of fallen empires go.

Blazing hot in the day, freezing at night. I've never been so hungry. Even a New Babbage rat sounds good to me now. You wouldn't believe what passes for food out here. Still trying to find any scrap sturdy enough to make into a weapon.

But at least I'm not alone. There are kind folks. Other kids. Some I even recognize.

Kira's here. She must have reincarnated. There's a shack down in the slough where I caught her scent. Everyone here knows her, but I keep missing her. She must be scavenging on the other side of the desert when I'm out. I will find her. I will...

Wren's here. She says she ran out out fuel and woke up centuries later after someone repaired her. Gotta admire your handiwork, Doc.

I teamed up with this girl named Bleue. We're meeting at Kira's and forming a tribe. NPAK Runts I think we're calling it. Pooling our resources. Protecting ourselves.

Did the Regent set me up on purpose to get me off his time machine? I don't know. I hope someone finds this message. Back to the hunt.

a first chance at a second impression

I sat and watched from the holographic monitor as Qlippothic lifted the neko to his feet.

"It is not your fault, Koen. I pushed you too hard. Unlike Ash and myself I should have allotted you time for food and sleep."

I savored the last spoonful of caviar and placed the glass back on the silver tray my Companion was holding beside me.

"She's right, you know..." I cast a glance at the brown-haired boy in the butler's outfit, who earnestly nodded in agreement.

 "And I wouldn't have taken it..." he grumbled as he wearily punched a line of holes with his can opener. "So we launched too early...did we prevent the chain reaction?"

I looked away while she removed her metallic shell and put on one of the Doc's lab uniforms from the cabinet I didn't rip open."We did absorb the initial shockwave. In fact...the chain reaction was much stronger than we had anticipated. Had we attempted to launch on schedule we may well have disintegrated."

"What about the rest of the blast?"

"Shunted forward in time to the same spot...in 1908. The authorities will have several years of preparation to evacuate the area."

"If we get back to warn them!"

"True."

I stood up and leaned down to address my young Companion.

"I don't expect too much trouble from these guests, Brian. But fetch my galvanic staff just in case."

"Yes Sir!" And off he scurried with the tray. I refocused my attention on the hologram.

"Why aren't you still in the power core, Qli?"

"Something is wrong. We seem to be...stuck."

"Stuck? Did we land somewhere?"

"Not quite...more accurately I would say we are contained inside another time machine."

"Oh crap...we hit a TARDIS?"

Brian passed my staff, and with it I rapped on the outside of large plate that had been hastily welded to their vehicle. "I'm afraid you did!" I shouted. "You've materialized in the middle of my library!"

"Oh Bast! We're sorry! Ummm I guess we need your help in getting unstuck?"

With a tap of my staff the welding dissolved and the plate fell with a crash on the carpet. I used the staff as leverage to hop over the jagged tear in their orb. I adjusted the ruffles in my collar as took a closer look at their machinery.

"Oh yes...classic Mason galvanic tesseraction principles. Unrefined yet functional. That's the advantage to something this simple, you see. Far less factors to what can go wrong... Unless you try something like jump-starting it with a geothermal explosion, of course..."

"Koen? Isn't that the same staff you used to close the Demon Wasp portal?"

"Astute as always, Qlippothic. Oh my apologies, I don't think we've been formally introduced. My name is also Koen. But you may call me the Regent."

"NO NO NO this isn't possible! You looked like an old ME! Now you look like a white tiger with green eyes in a pastel fop suit?"

I huffed in disapproval. "The strain of shifting my Earth into a dimension that wasn't collapsing was too much for that old body, so I regenerated. This shouldn't surprise you. And seriously, the whole chimney-sweep look you've got going now is just embarrassing!"

"NO! NO [expletive deleted] WAY! I'm not going to look like that! You dress dorkier than our DAD and I didn't think that was even POSSIBLE! Prove it! Prove you're the Regent I met in Seraph City!"

"You have seventeen stitches on your left ankle from Wren's bear-trap."

He slunk back to the floor in resignation. "Crap...crap..." He reached in his pocket for a small device and began typing furiously.

I called out into the library. "Brian? Two servings of catnip please..."

He glared back up at me. "YOU POSTED ON MY BLOG?"

"OUR BLOG, young man!"

another fine mess

Now where was I? Oh yeah...

We launched a major assault on Baba Yaga's Siberian base. Oh you shoulda seen it. Hell the snowstorm was so heavy I barely saw it myself. But I sure heard it. And felt it with each explosion. Qlippothic and Ash were crushing robot huts right and left. Bloodwing and Zavael were counterspelling like crazy and generally unleashing cosmic whoopass on undead witches. The Jagers were shooting anything that moved and stomping on them when they were done just to make sure. Those glowing Digital Knight guys that Ash rescued from that other Grid were buzzing around slicing robots with their frisbee-things.

No, I'm not on medication. This really happened. This is pretty standard as far as Mason adventures go. You must be new here?

Well anyway, I was in my inframask suit darting around slashing mummified witches and robot tentacles. Eventually we ran out of things to smash and we generally agreed that we won. The only problem was that the witches set their reactor to self destruct. Instead of panicking like I normally do, I figured out away to hook the reactor up to Qli's galvanic tesseractor and reconfigure the chamber as a time machine, using that explosion to start the engine instead of leaving a huge crater in the middle of Mother Russia.

The Knights knew circuitry like the backs of their hands (which had circuitry on them actually, so it makes sense) and helped us rewire everything. Xavael cast a spell called SEAMLESS ARMOUR which usually is used on SUITS of armor, but he said he heard it got cast on a leaky boat once so he figured it would work on a time machine. And Doc Mason as usual was directing everything from the safety of the New Babbage Consulate.

"Is everything ready?" he asked from a staticky screen perched over my shoulder while I was spotwelding.

"Yes! We double-checked and triple-checked!" I snapped back.

"As a point of testing I've dilated the time in the immediate vicinity to give us the equivalent of days of preparations instead of the actual hours we had left," stated Qli from inside the tube where she was plugging cables into the joints of her brass armor.

"Yeah, it works great. But unlike you Qli some of us need to eat and sleep once every few days!"

"It's quite normal for you to feel cranky in your present state..." interrupted Doc. "Blah blah blah cans of tuna in the lower cabinet..."

FINALLY! I ripped off my goggles and jumped down and started tugging on the cabinet until it blew open with a shower of sparks. Doc started yelling at me as I reached for the fire extinguisher. Ash looked up from where he was riveting the bulkhead as the whole chamber started shaking. "I believe that was the wrong cabinet."

"Is Doc cursing at me in Russian now?"

"No." Qli answered. "You've launched us into hypertime! The feedback through Doctor Mason's connection he sent him into a backwards loop."

"Yeesh. He's gonna tan my..."

Another huge explosion. I wrapped my arms around a support strut as everything that wasn't nailed down got sucked through a hole in the wall where Ash was still hanging on. One of the other cabinets burst open. I saw the cans of tuna spinning in mid-air, hurtling towards the infinite void. I leaped...

"NO!" Screamed Qli as I hit a sliding sheet of metal with full force.

"What happened?" I asked as I waited for the room to stop spinning.

"Ash covered the rupture from the outside and hung on long enough to spot-weld it before he..."

"Before he what? Where...where is he?"

"He is lost." Qli placed a can of tuna on the floor beside me as I curled into a ball. I grabbed and hurled it across the room. I was too busy yowling.

Define "rescue"?

Qli, Ash and I were in the thick of it, fighting these witch-powered stompers to keep them away from Bloodwing (whose guts were laid out in a neat circle around a dimensional gate - don't ask). BW's magic was messy and beyond gross but it did bring Ash back to us. And he brought a posse with him too, the Digital Knights. A bunch of kick-ass warriors made from solid light, which is good because we needed all the help we could get. Qli's voice crackled in my ear on my radio headset.

"Koen! Father is being chased!"

Aw crap. I guess he didn't stay far enough away.

"I'll get him!" I was already dodging and weaving on my skimboard through the stompers, tripping them up with lashes of solid darkness so the Knights could pry 'em open like a pack of urchins at a free lobster buffet.

"Koen. Ash here. I detect two Masons in that sandspeeder. Darien's transmitter is off-frequency."

"TWO? Qli, I need backup!"

"I...am unable to assist."

"Ash here. Intercepting."

"Cloaking," I tap my headset off as I wrap the dark around me until the light bends. There's still a wake of sand behind me but the desert winds are starting to whip up as it is. Ash whizzes by me in a glowing light-cycle and almost cuts me in half with the wall of light he leaves behind him. I hop and glide down the edge of his wall, hiding my wake.

That blingtard's a Mason? Which one? That's a scummy dis...

He's wearing Qli's dancing outfit?

Mystery Mason's firing a souped-up mainland gun at Ash! I have to jump as he shatters the shield wall. Ash's wheels get plugged and the clank goes tumbling.

He's aiming at Darien now. Please Dad, hit the eject...hit the eject...HIT THE DAMN...GOOD!

He blew a hole in the dashboard! Doc's blind from the sparks!

**DECLOAK**

**SHADOW LASH**

GOT HIM! YOWCH! I got the lash stuck in the Tesla turbines and Doc's in the middle! This is NOT the way I wanted to go jet-skiing!

"KOEN! WE'RE GOING TO HIT THE CITY WALLS!"

"I'M STUCK!"

some assembly required

I gotta admit, I almost lost my lunch when Nova opened up that chest and showed me what was left of Bloodwing. My fur stood on end when I heard his voice in my head.

"Are you sure you want to do this now?"

We cannot wait. A day here last weeks where he and his pack are stranded...

I did some fancy mental calculations, the kind you memorize when you start time-travelling.

"Bast...you're right."

Through me shall they find escape.

I looked over the huge circle of glass melted into the sand where Ash got blasted into...someplace else.

"Through you...? Ugh...I hate these Ereb'ai rituals! Qli! You got a pair of tongs?"

killer babushkas?

I was just ready to spear this lizard for dinner when it happened. Spiraling darkness erupting from me, lifting me from the ground. I struggle for balance as I hear it whisper secrets of Erebus into my skull.

Your littermates are dead. All eight of them. Murdered by the Masons. Revenge Revenge Revenge.

I'll take it under advisement.

I just met a parallel me who was living with this curse! But in the other realm this happened after Qli was...

Qli?

I see a giant robot with long clawed stilts for legs lighting up the sands from where it trashed the tent my sister and I set up. It lunges away, but with the speed of thought I'm there, ripping into it like a tin can.

"YOU PICKED THE WRONG NIGHT TO MESS WITH MY FAMILY YOU ROBOT CHICKEN!"

I've got it pinned. It smells like a charnel house inside, and looks worse. Straw? Flasks? Coal brazier? How did all this medieval looking crap get stuffed inside a giant robot like this? Was it bigger on the inside...?

I pull out what looks like a mummy? Like an old hag dropped in the bog and left to preserve when the Druid robes were still in style. It's stuffed halfway in a giant stone...bucket? Was this half of it's sarco...sar...coffin...?

OW! IT'S BITING ME! GET OFF! GET OFF! GET...

*WHAM!*

Whew! Hey, thanks Qli! QLI! You're still alive! Um, who's your friend?